


If it Weren't For You Meddling Kids

by headfrst4halos, tobytrice



Category: Scooby-Doo! (Live-action Movies), Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Crossover, Enemies to Lovers, First Kiss, Gay crisis, Hand Jobs, Humor, Hux-centric, M/M, Mystery, Romance, There will be sex, Virgin Kylo Ren, and a sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:24:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7106659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/headfrst4halos/pseuds/headfrst4halos, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobytrice/pseuds/tobytrice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captured by the Resistance, the once feared General Hux and Kylo Ren are sentenced to community service on Earth. Little did they know they would be bringing much needed Order to a group of dysfunctional emerging detectives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Last Night On Earth

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a competition on who could create the worst AU and ended in pure magic. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it.

It was only three days into their sentence, but Coolsville was significantly less cool than what General Hux and Kylo Ren had anticipated. The experience of brightly colored buildings and surprisingly diverse geography for one town was somewhat underwhelming after experiencing the explosion of a planet firsthand. In fact, as Hux regarded the dismally dressed group of detectives standing before them, he almost wished he and Ren hadn’t made it off the planet alive. Or at least that Ren had, so he would have to suffer through this.

At this point in time, Hux wanted nothing more than for Ren to suffer. After hauling him off the implosion of his life’s work - which Ren had caused - Hux had very little sympathy for the man. Even less now that he had to listen to him whining like a child.

I can still hear your thoughts when you project them, General.

Ignoring him, Hux prepared to address the group. “As you are aware, Ren and myself work for your government. We are here to assist you in learning basic defense skills.” Their goal was simple; after Mystery Inc had saved Coolsville once again, they had become irrelevant. Despite the fact that they released all of their prisoners under the guise of a reform program - disgusting, in Hux’s opinion - they had very little to do and were untrained to take on higher profile cases. This is where General Hux came into play. If he was able to train the detectives, his name would be cleared and he would be free once again to take over the galaxy. As much as the Resistance loathed him, they valued his strategic thinking more than they wanted him dead. Or Leia Organa underestimated him. They would come to regret their mistake. 

Earth’s atmosphere had almost entirely stripped Ren of his ability to use the Force. He was also unable to use his lightsaber in front of Mystery Inc to avoid unnecessary questions about his abilities and the futuristic nature of his weaponry. Because of this, all Ren had done since they arrived was complain. While he could easily make himself useful and assist in hand-to-hand combat training, he chose to sulk, leaving all of the work for Hux.

As much as he loathed to admit it, Ren was his equal. Ren’s strength and Hux’s position gave them the same amount of power, but Hux was the only one who cared to use that power for the sake of productivity. It was almost like being back on the Finalizer. 

“Alright, we’re going to evaluate your current abilities. Please pick up the blasters at your feet. You will try to hit the target in the head, chest, or abdomen.” Hux said, already feeling a headache forming in his left temple. Mystery Inc had been ordered to meet them at an abandoned farm for training so that they weren’t in danger of harming any civilians. For this activity, Hux had set up a makeshift shooting range behind a dilapidated barn. The Resistance refused to provide him with any training simulators, insisting that they were not used on this planet. He would have to work with what he had, and that was not much.

They hadn’t been briefed on the customs or language of this planet. He and Ren were given hideous clothing, survival kits, currency, and then dropped in the middle of a field. Their ‘living arrangements’ consisted of an old farmhouse which was in a state of ruin so advanced even Ren - who had spent a fair share of time in deprivation chambers during his training - had no desire to sleep there. The house did have running water, however, which was a small blessing. In the end they had set up a tent behind the house to sleep in. It had been the only thing they agreed on.

The previous day had been a complete disaster and did not leave him with an optimistic outlook for today. They, or rather he, had attempted to teach the misfit group basic hand to hand defense while Ren pouted in a corner. His only input was the occasional snide comment about Hux’s training methods and the trainees pathetic abilities. Hux had done his best to ignore him then and would continue to do so as long as he wanted to act like petulant child. The self defense training had ended with Hux’s biting comment that children were better able to defend themselves than this pathetic group. Hux had been made a General when he was twenty-five; these invalids had no excuse.

Hux sighed and brought himself back to the present. There was no way that today could possibly be any worse. Although there was the slight possibility that someone could get shot, he supposed. As if on cue a sudden wave of apprehension swept over him.

Where was Ren? To his alarm, the tall, blond man was waving his blaster around in a rather animated conversation with Ren, who continued to silently frown at him. “Jones, you do realize that weapon is loaded? As much as I’d like Ren to die, this will not be tolerated.” Before Ren could open his mouth they were interrupted by a terrified screech. 

“Like, yikes! Scoob has a gun!” For fuck’s sake. Hux turned to find the beast attempting to handle a blaster without opposable thumbs. He contemplated stepping in front of it and would have if it weren’t for Ren’s presence. He would be damned if he let Kylo Ren see him killed by an inferior life form. Whatever it was didn’t even wear clothes. He didn’t recognize the species, but with a name like “Scoobert Scooby Dooby Doo” he assumed it must be at least part Wookie.

“Ruh-roh, Shaggy.” Alright, not Wookie. It spoke basic, despite whatever accent it had. 

“Drop that immediately. You will be working without a weapon. Your size and… form will be useful enough.” Hux said, trying to regain some semblance of control. So far, only Blake had managed to hit the target. Jones was now arguing with her, trying to take credit for the shot. Dinkley was nowhere to be found, and Rogers had disappeared with the beast. Ren was still doing his best to be completely useless.

He had been wrong. Today’s training attempts were infinitely worse than before. It seemed like this particularly useless group would be impossible to train through conventional methods. Hux allowed them to continue for another hour before he called off the entire operation. “Your lack of discipline makes traditional training impossible. Tomorrow we will begin your field training. You will report at 0500 hours.” 

“Like, do you guys need somewhere to stay?” Shaggy asked, looking around at the decaying property. “You can crash with me and Scoob.” 

“Rogers, that is highly inappropriate and unnecessary.” Hux snapped. He was so eager to be rid of the detectives that he was actually looking forward to Ren’s company. At least he was somewhat competent when he tried to be. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once the group had departed and Hux was actually left alone with Ren, he was starting to doubt his earlier sentiment. Much like the previous two nights Ren had retired to the tent immediately, leaving Hux to build a fire and cook some of their rations. Tonight he made some for Ren as a sort of peace offering, hoping to put him in a better mood and pull him out of his childish stupor. They would have to work as a team if they had any hope of leaving this godforsaken planet. Hux should have known his efforts to be civil were in vain. 

Ren’s behavior was completely ridiculous. Instead of keeping to one side of the tent, he was currently sprawled across the entire sleeping area with his feet resting by their flat, regulation pillows. Hux let a grimace show on his face. Ren’s lack of common decency was appalling. It appeared that he was reading a magazine from this planet. Rogers had left them with a variety of reading material from the back of his vehicle. In the end, it had been the only way to make him leave. Hux could make out the words ‘Playboy’ on the volume Ren was holding and decided he did not need to know its contents. 

“If you could,” began Hux coldly “Please refrain from encroaching on my side of the tent. I already have to deal with your unthinkable face during the day, I hardly want to look at it any more than is absolutely necessary.”

Ren moved slowly, ensuring that he was maintaining eye contact with Hux as he bent his long legs, effectively dragging his filthy boots over the other man’s pillow. “Tell me how you really feel, General Hux.” 

Hux was seething. He could feel his face turning red with anger as his frustration with this torture chamber of an assignment and Ren’s blatant attempts to irritate him. “Move. Your. Feet. Now!” he spat. “I have had it with your constant complaining, with your sulking, and with your goddamn uselessness.”

Ren looked genuinely surprised at his outburst. He was ridiculously easy to read without that mask, and Hux loathed him even more for it. “Here, General. Some light reading. It might help you pull the stick out of your ass.” He said, rolling up the magazine and holding it out to Hux. 

Hux swatted away the magazine. “I have no use for that trash,” he snapped. Having seen the cover, he knew exactly what type of magazine it was and would never lower himself to viewing pornography. He prided himself on always being better than the common man. 

Ren snorted, dropping the magazine. “I think they sell a version with men as well, if this isn’t your style.”

Hux inhaled sharply. While it was true that he prefered men, he had no intention of letting Ren know how accurate his accusation was. “Careful, Ren that you aren’t simply projecting your own desires onto others.” 

Ren ignored him in his usual manner, pushing past Hux and storming out of the tent. Hux should have expected his temper to get the better of him. Even without his lightsaber, the man was disgustingly volatile. Deciding it was best not to wait up for him, Hux climbed into the less muddy sleeping bag, flipped the pillow over and attempted to rest. If tomorrow went as well as today, he would need all the sleep he could get. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Hux opened his eyes, it was dark out and his alarm was not going off. He gradually realized that he has woken up because his undershirt was wet. There was a strong metallic scent in the air, and Hux realized he was covered in blood. He was almost horrified at the relief he felt when he assumed it was his own fatal wound that had produced it. It was clear however, that the source was in fact Ren’s hand, which had somehow ended up draped over his chest. It was bleeding profusely and Hux wondered how long it had been left untreated. Belatedly, Hux realized that Ren was halfway on top of him, effectively pinning him into his sleeping bag. “Ren,” he hissed, trying to elbow him in the stomach. “Ren, wake up.” 

His lack of movement and utter silence was alarming. Was he even breathing? It occurred to Hux that Ren might be seriously injured, possibly in need of immediate attention. Hux redoubled his efforts at shaking Ren awake and began frantically repeating his name. Before Hux knew what had happened he was being thrown to the floor of the tent, the hands wrapped around his throat preventing him from crying out in shock. Hux met Ren’s blank stare and his own eyes widened in surprise. What the hell was he thinking? 

Despite not wanting to physically injure Ren further, Hux’s survival instincts kicked in. He grabbed at Ren’s wrists and was about to wrap his legs around Ren’s waist when suddenly the man was gone. Hux coughed, sitting up and trying to regain his bearings. 

“Ren, what exactly are you trying to accomplish? I hardly think I deserve to be attacked simply because I thought you had died in your sleep.” Hux snapped, irritated now that he was fully awake. Ren didn’t even acknowledge that he’d been spoken to. He was curled up in the far corner of the tent, his legs pulled in and his forehead resting on his knees. His breathing was irregular and Hux became concerned that he was going to lose consciousness. “Ren, can you hear me?” Hux pulled himself to his feet, taking a few cautious steps toward Ren when he received no response. He knew they had a medkit somewhere, but if Ren’s wounds were severe he may require additional assistance. 

Hux only stopped moving when Ren visibly recoiled. “Ren, I am going to find the medkit.” He said, carefully digging through their supplies. To his relief, they had been given a fully stocked medkit and enough extra medical supplies to open a small clinic. Apparently General Organa did not expect them to fare well. At least the abundance of resources would make the process go quickly. All Hux wanted was a full night of sleep. Straightening up, he turned back to Ren to find that he hadn’t moved. Hux found that his initial unease was becoming genuine concern. It was very unlike Ren to remain still and silent for any extended period of time. 

He carefully approached Ren again, now holding their medkit. “Ren, I need to see your hand. You are bleeding everywhere.” When he flinched again, Hux stopped by the lantern, deciding it would be best to let Ren come to him. “Well, come on then.” He settled into a comfortable position and began to organize the supplies he thought he’d need. Due to the amount of blood on everything, it was likely that Ren needed stitches. 

He had gathered together a local anesthetic, sutures, antiseptic paste, and several rolls of bandages before he even heard Ren move. Hux could feel the other man’s eyes on him. “Ren, if the idea of me touching you is so unpleasant that you'd rather bleed out, I can arrange for you to be taken to a hospital.” His extensive medical training left him more than competent for the task ahead, but if Ren didn’t trust him he would take him to get professional treatment. Anything that got him closer to returning to bed. 

“No. You can’t.” Hux looked up, startled by Ren’s sudden acknowledgement. His eyes snapped up to meet Hux’s gaze and if he didn’t know better, Hux would think Ren was frightened. That was interesting. 

“Then come over here and let me fix your hand. I’d like to go back to sleep.” Hux turned his attention back to the supplies as Ren awkwardly shuffled over to him. Once he was within arm’s reach, Hux grabbed his injured hand and pulled it closer to the light. “Hold still,” Hux instructed, carefully washing the excess blood away with a damp cloth. Ren had several deep gashes along his knuckles, and Hux noticed that he had been correct in assuming he would need sutures. He let go of Ren’s hand and after changing his gloves, began to prepare a syringe. 

“What are you doing?” Ren asked warily, eyeing the needle. 

“You need stitches, this is just a local anaesthetic,” Hux reached for Ren’s shaking hand and held it still, even as Ren tried to pull it away. “You’re fine. Just a pinch.” Hux waited to proceed until Ren’s look of panic faded into apprehension and he stopped struggling. He did not know why Ren was having such a hard time with the procedure. Surely he had sustained injuries far worse than this. In fact, Hux had witnessed them firsthand. After Starkiller base imploded, Ren had spent an entire week submerged in a bacta tank. . 

Once Ren’s hand was more or less stable, Hux used his other hand to ready the syringe. Hux held it out toward Ren. “Take the cap off,” he ordered. Ren hesitantly reached out with his free hand and plucked the cap from the needle’s point. Moving quickly, Hux brought the syringe to Ren’s injured hand and pierced the skin above the damaged area. Ren tensed violently and by the time Hux had fully compressed the plunger, he looked as if he were going to cry or throw up. Both of these options were equally abhorrent.

 

Hux set the empty syringe on the tent’s floor. “I know it stings, but honestly Ren, it was just an injection,” he said, taking Ren’s injured hand in both of his own. It would be impossible to finish his work unless Ren relaxed. That was what Hux told himself as he began to soothingly rub his thumbs against the sides of Ren’s hand. Hux waited until he appeared to be breathing normally before he cleaned the wound more thoroughly with water an and antiseptic spray.

“Is your hand numb?” Hux asked, looking up to check on Ren. When their eyes met he nodded, and Hux let go of Ren’s hand to pull on a new pair of gloves and thread the needle. His time would have been wasted in vain if Ren were to get an infection and die. 

When Hux went to grab Ren’s hand again, he stopped. Ren was incredibly pale and looked as if he was in danger of fainting. “Lie down,” Hux commanded, staring expectantly at Ren. After a slight pause he obeyed, his eyes never leaving the needle. “Close your eyes, Ren. It's alright. You won’t feel anything.” Without waiting to see if Ren followed his advice, Hux carefully pressed the needle through the side of the first gash. He heard Ren whimper. Pathetic. Perhaps distracting him would get them through this more quickly. “Why don’t you tell me why I’m awake in the middle of the night, covered in your blood.” Hux said, glancing briefly at Ren. He had bitten through his lip. “Are you sure your hand is numb?” Hux asked, stopping his work.

“It’s numb.” Ren confirmed, his voice wavering slightly. “Please keep going.” Hux nodded, resuming stitching up his hand while he waited for Ren to give him an intelligent answer. At least he didn’t have to wait long. “I don’t remember much from earlier, only that I was angry, that I left. I think I punched something. A tree, maybe,” Ren mumbled, shifting uncomfortably on the floor. “I didn’t realize I was injured when I came back. I’m sorry about the blood.” Hux froze. He could feel his headache returning. 

“You’re telling me that you did this to yourself because you can’t control your temper?” Hux asked, rubbing antiseptic cream onto the fresh sutures. “That is utterly ridiculous. You need to learn self-restraint, Lord Ren.” A man who couldn't control himself hardly deserved the title “Lord,” and Hux relished any opportunity to remind Kylo Ren of that fact. Ren’s total lack of response to his barb was disheartening at best. Maybe his loss of the Force had something to do with his moodiness. 

After carefully bandaging Ren’s hand, Hux returned the medkit to storage and began to halfheartedly wipe away the blood that was drying on the tent floor. Eventually deciding cleaning was a lost cause, Hux went outside with the small pile of blood soaked rags. Since he had no desire to hand wash them, he threw them into the fire. Suddenly inspired, he removed his own bloodstained shirt and tossed it in as well. While watching it burn he felt infinitesimally better. 

When Hux returned to the tent, the inside had been thoroughly cleaned. There wasn’t a drop of blood or dirt. Even the bedding had been changed. Kylo was already asleep, or at least pretending to be asleep. Resigning himself to three hours of sleep, Hux crawled back into his sleeping bag and was asleep almost immediately.


	2. Are you there God? It's me, Hux.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mystery Inc. has their first mission, there's a shower scene, and Hux will never get a good night of sleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this for the second time welcome back, I hope you enjoy our slow descent into the trash pit.

Today was the day of their first field assignment, and after being up for half the night with the human disaster that is Kylo Ren, Hux was less than enthused. They were being sent to investigate reports of mysterious activity at an abandoned hardware store. The locals had seen fires late at night. Some claimed to have heard voices and other loud noises, leading them to believe it was haunted. This would be an easy task to test the skills they had learned in basic training, had they actually learned anything at all.

As the Resistance was less than accommodating, their only mode of transportation was the garishly colored ‘Mystery Machine,’ which came to pick them up at 0500 hours. Despite its lack of shielding devices, all of the detectives insisted it had always been reliable in the past. Rogers happily informed him they had been driving it since they were teenagers. How it lasted this long was truly a mystery. There weren’t even proper seats; Hux had been forced to sit on the floor with Ren, Rogers, and the beast. 

It took them roughly an hour to find the warehouse. Their vehicle lacked a navigational system and Fred insisted upon using outdated paper directions. After several u-turns, they finally reached the general vicinity of the hardware store. Hux instructed them to hide the vehicle in the trees so it would not be destroyed in the event of an ambush. Camouflaging the ‘Mystery Machine’ eventually proved to be futile, so Hux instructed them to continue on to the next task. 

Thankfully Ren had been unusually quiet all morning. He did not insult the detectives or Hux. In fact, it almost seemed like he was avoiding Hux. Ren had been outside training when Hux woke up and went to shower, but by the time Hux returned to the tent to prepare a meal, he was gone. Ren returned with damp hair and ate the bland breakfast Hux made for him alone. He hadn’t even mocked Hux’s obnoxiously colored scarf, which conveniently hid a ring of dark purple bruises. If questioning Ren’s sexuality was all it took to silence him, Hux would have done it years ago. 

As Mystery Inc. approached the old warehouse, Ren suddenly stopped, bending over to pick something up. “Hey, like, I think he found a clue!” Shaggy said excitedly, leaning in to get a closer look. For some unfathomable reason, Shaggy thought he and Ren were the best of friends. When he saw what Ren was holding, he recoiled almost immediately, leaving Hux standing before Ren.

“Ren, that thing you are holding is a used condom. Drop it immediately.” Hux said, trying his best not to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. 

“A what?” Ren asked, clearly confused.

“You don’t know what a condom is? A contraceptive Ren, worn on the penis. The one you are are holding has been used. It’s full of ejaculate.” When Ren still did not reply, Hux swatted at his wrist in an undignified manner, forcing him to drop it. “You were holding potentially diseased semen. How can I make this more clear to you? Your lack of professionalism will not be tolerated.” 

While Hux had been preoccupied with reprimanding Ren, Mystery Inc. had proceeded into the warehouse. Maybe the Resistance had given him the assignment in the hopes that he would commit suicide. Currently, the odds were in their favor.

“Ren, we will discuss this later. Stand guard out here.” Hux said, walking away without waiting for a reply. He respected Ren as he would an equal, but if he wanted to behave like an inferior Hux would treat him as such. 

No sooner had Hux’s hand touched the door handle when what was unmistakably an explosion came from inside the warehouse. Drawing his weapon, he kicked in the door. Smoke poured from the opening, momentarily blinding him. What he saw when it cleared made him want to scream in frustration. Velma had lost her glasses and was crawling on the ground, Blake was stuck beneath a stack of filthy boxes that were putting dust in the air, and Jones was sitting on the chest of a disheveled man, punching him repeatedly in the face. 

“Jones, what are you doing?” Hux asked, noting the man’s lack of weapons. He wasn't even fighting back. 

“I caught the ghost! It’s really just this bum.” Fred had stopped enthusiastically punching the man to respond to Hux, and now the man was trying to sit up. 

Of course it wasn’t really a ghost. Every case these teenagers dealt with consisted of petty criminals, and even in those investigations, they performed abysmally. There was never a true threat in Coolsville. Just overactive imaginations and a worryingly large homeless population. 

“Fred! Look out!” To Hux’s horror, Daphne had drawn her blaster and was aiming it directly at Fred. 

“Blake, lower your weapon. This response is completely inappropriate,” ignoring Hux, Daphne fired her blaster, “- given the severity of the situation.” Hux finished speaking right as the bolt landed neatly between the homeless man’s eyes, taking a good part of his skull with it as well. Before Hux could react, the door fell from its hinges. Were they being ambushed? Pivoting quickly, Hux slammed his foot into the side of Kylo Ren’s head. Of course it was Ren.

“Hux, what the fuck?!” Ren shouted from where he now lay on the gore covered floor. Hux was about to explain that he assumed the dead man had allies, but then realized he owed no explanation to Kylo Ren. He also did not need an excuse for kicking him in the face. 

“Jinkies, what was that?!” It appeared that Velma had yet to find her glasses, despite the strap that Hux had added to her uniform to keep them in place. 

“Blake, you are only supposed to fire your weapon if you or your teammates are in immediate danger. A concussed, weaponless vagabond is not an immediate threat. Since you killed him before we could question him, we will be spending the night here to see if there are any other disturbances.” Daphne looked at him in obvious distress.

“We can’t sleep here. We don’t have any supplies, and there’s a dead body that’s bleeding everywhere.” She protested, unconsciously brandishing her weapon.

“No one is sleeping, you will be watching all of the exits. Blake and Dinkley, take the door to the storeroom. Jones, find Rogers and guard the dock. Ren and myself will watch what remains of the front door. If anything happens you are to signal the group. Do not act on your own. Do I make myself clear?” After a sullen chorus of ‘yes, sirs’ the detectives wandered off to their respective posts, leaving Hux alone with Kylo Ren. There was a large purple bruise forming along his jawline. As much as Hux resented Ren’s face, he did admire his own work. Hux noted out of disgust that Ren was trailing his hand through the quickly cooling blood on the floor. Did he have to explain again that the bodily fluids of strange men were likely not safe?

“Any particular reason why you’re staring at my face, General? See something you like?” Ren drawled sarcastically. It seemed that he had not gotten over last night’s argument. Hux thought he had been avoiding him out of embarrassment, but maybe it was resentment. Hux shrugged, settling into a more comfortable position to keep watch. He wasn’t about to give into the satisfaction of letting Ren anger him again. Last night had already been more than enough.

Ren stood slowly and settled next to Hux against the wall. Hux wasn’t looking in Ren’s direction, but he could feel Ren eyeing him. Before Hux could stop him, Ren quickly brought his gore-covered hand to Hux’s face and pressed it to his cheek. “It’s rude to ignore someone when they’re speaking to you.” Hux froze at the sensation of lukewarm blood dripping over his lips.

“Oh, because you were so talkative last night when I was trying to help you?” If Ren wanted to play dirty, he would as well. Without warning, Hux drove his shoulder into Ren’s stomach, knocking them both into the rapidly cooling pool of blood. He could feel Ren’s blaster digging into his hip which only served to anger him further. Hux pushed himself up so he was staring down into Ren’s appalled face. As soon as their eyes met, he ran his gloved hand through the congealed mess on the floor. Hux then raked his hand through Ren’s hair roughly, smashing the back of his head into the concrete floor. Ren let out a strange noise.

“...Are you hard?” Hux tried to move away but lost his balance and continuously rubbed himself against Ren, making the situation even worse. He could feel Ren restraining himself from moving at all. Before either of them could dwell on it, Ren shoved him off as the beast burst into the room, dragging a struggling man by the ankle. 

“Rook!” it said, dropping the man. “Raggy!” Upon closer inspection, Hux realized that the beast had only brought him Rogers. That meant Jones was unaccounted for and the dock was likely unguarded. 

“Hey, like, why are you guys on the floor?” Hux decided that Rogers wasn’t worth a response and stood up.

“Rogers, go find Jones and immediately return to the do-” Hux was cut off by the sound of many heavy objects falling simultaneously. 

“Jinkies, is that a pipe bomb?!” Oh, hells. 

“Like, guys, Velma found a clue!” Shaggy shouted, enthusiastically running in the direction of Velma’s voice. Once he left, Hux dragged Ren to his feet, pulling him toward the door. There was nothing in his contract that said he needed to keep Mystery Inc. alive. If they thought that an undetonated bomb was a clue, then there wasn’t really much Hux could do. Instead, he focused on self preservation. They had left the ‘Mystery Machine’ parked out of sight. If they could get behind it before the bomb went off, it was likely that they would survive the blast with minimal injuries. 

They had just reached the vehicle when Ren tackled Hux, knocking them both into the bushes behind the van. Hux took the brunt of the fall, which was not lessened by Ren’s heavy weight on top of him. No sooner had they landed than the building went up in flames with a deafening blast. Hux pressed his fingers into his own ears, knowing that he would probably suffer hearing loss due to their stupidity. Bits of cement and rubble were flung toward them, mostly blocked by Ren’s body that was currently crushing Hux. Ash and dust filled the air, settling slowly on their skin and clothing. Once the smoke had cleared, Hux shoved at Ren, trying to get him to move so that he could breathe again. 

“Ren, do you know how to pilot this vehicle?” Hux asked, pacing in front of the van. Being arrested on this planet would cause more trouble than it was worth, and they needed to leave the scene before the police came to investigate. Ren was staring blankly at him, looking absolutely ridiculous. The dust and rubble was stuck to the drying blood, giving him the appearance of a statue. 

“I think I could, but they start the vehicle with a key, which is not currently in my possession,” Ren said, finally acknowledging Hux. “Fred had the key.” Hux swore, yelling fuck word after fuck word. 

“Help me find the electrical units. We can try to start it without the key.” Hux yanked the door open, trying to make sense of the various gages and controls. 

“Hey, like, are you guys okay?” Shaggy asked cheerfully, leaning against the doorframe. His clothes were burnt and he was covered in debris, but other than a few minor scrapes Rogers looked completely unharmed.

“Are you the only survivor, Rogers?” Hux asked, surprised that even he was alive. None of them should have been able to live through an explosion that severe. To Hux’s horror, the rest of Mystery Inc was standing behind Rogers, all looking equally dishevelled, yet unharmed. Unfortunately Hux did not have time to ask questions; he could hear sirens in the distance. “...Right, Jones. Return Ren and myself to the farm and take the rest of the day off.” Hux ordered, climbing into the back of the van. 

They drove back to the farm in relative silence. Hux was too angry to speak, and the others seemed to sense his displeasure. The building was a complete loss. He hoped that the charred corpse of the man Blake murdered led the cops to believe he was the arsonist. Either way, he was not looking forward to filing the report. All Hux wanted was to take a shower and go to sleep, despite the fact that it was only 1400 hours. Once they arrived at the farm, Hux briefed them on tomorrow’s schedule.

“Report to the farm tomorrow at 1200 hours. Ren and myself will be analyzing your abilities so that we can better apply them to our future endeavors. You are dismissed.” Hux said coldly, still absolutely furious. He did not stay to watch the Mystery Machine drive away, instead making his way toward the house. 

“Where are you going?” Ren called, jogging after Hux.

“I am going to take a shower, Ren, and you are going to leave me alone.” Hux replied, increasing his pace. Arguing with Kylo Ren was the last thing he wanted to do. Ren followed behind him in silence, apparently taking the hint. Couldn’t Ren just wait until he was done to shower? The first floor bathroom was hardly large enough for them to share. While Hux had shared a variety of communal facilities in his day, a shower stall meant for one was just absurd. The house had two bathrooms, but the upper level was extremely run down and neither man had been brave enough to try the crumbling stairs. Since day one Hux had deemed the upstairs unfit for use and Ren had followed suit. 

To Hux’s horror, Ren shoved him violently out of the way and bolted into the downstairs bathroom. When Hux tried the door, he found it was locked. Ren’s appalling behavior had finally reached a new low. Hux felt absolutely disgusting; there were congealed pieces of brain matter stuck to his face and his hair was crusted with dried blood. All of these things could have been avoided if Ren had only done his fucking job. And now he was alone in the good shower, a privilege which he hardly deserved. 

Well, if Hux couldn’t beat Ren, he would join him. After fiddling with the lock for a few minutes, he heard a click and the door swung open. He could see Ren through the frosted glass, and it appeared that he had yet to notice Hux was in the room with him. Hux began methodically stripping himself of his filthy clothing. None of it was salvageable, he noted with obvious disdain. Unceremoniously, Hux pulled the sliding door back and stepped into the small shower. He was immediately met with Ren’s hand shoving at his chest, trying to push him back out. 

“Hux, what the fuck!?” Ren shouted, clearly horrified at their current situation. He was shoving Hux with only his fingertips, and he was using his other hand to hold a bottle of shampoo over his crotch.

“What does it look like? You’re in the only safe shower and I have someone else’s brain in my hair,” Hux said, frowning at him, “which, by the way, is entirely your fault.” Ren’s sudden concern for modesty was irritating. He was acting as though he had never seen another man naked before. Didn’t the Jedi or whatever he claimed to have been have training facilities with communal showers? 

“You couldn’t just wait until I got out?” Ren shouted back. “This shower is barely big enough for one person!” Hux shrugged, attempting to push Ren to the other end of the shower. Hux hadn’t realized that Ren would be so embarrassed about being naked in front of another person. During his time in the Academy all the way up to his days on the Finalizer, Hux had become accustomed to having very little privacy. Most ships did not allow much room for personal quarters, so they were only given to the highest ranking officers on the ship.

“If you had waited your turn, there wouldn’t be a problem. Now move so I can shut the door, it’s getting cold.” When Ren realized Hux wasn’t going anywhere, he turned away and began furiously soaping his hair. 

Hux reached out toward the toiletries shelf to his left to grab the soap. Ren was still taking up too much room, so Hux had to briefly lean against him to reach it. As soon as their skin touched Ren flinched violently, dropping the bottle of shampoo and scaring Hux into pushing the contents of the entire shelf onto the floor of the shower. “Ren!” Hux snapped, leaning down to pick up the various bottles of bath products, “What the hell is your problem today?” Hux looked up and found Ren staring at him, his face extremely red. “Are you alright?” Hux asked sarcastically, standing back up. Ren shoved past him, throwing open the door to the shower and catching his foot on the rim of the bathtub. In a split second, Ren’s entire frame crumpled to the tile floor with a thud. 

Hux looked on incredulously, watching as Ren tried to pick himself up off the floor and slipped around helplessly. After failing to stand twice he walked briskly from the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Hux became briefly concerned that his actions earlier had given Ren a concussion. Bad balance was a sign of brain trauma, after all. Now that he reflected on it, he had kicked Ren in the head earlier. And slammed his head into a concrete floor. 

 

Ren seemed disoriented and was acting more strangely than he usually did, which for Ren was saying a lot. He would have to check on Ren before he went to sleep, Hux decided. All he had wanted was to take a shower in peace, and now he had to look after Ren yet again. 

After washing his hair five times, Hux decided that it was time to go check on Ren. He got out of the shower and tied a towel around his waist, regretfully looking at his ruined clothes. At least the area was secluded so his chances of being seen were low. Getting ambushed while naked and weaponless was not the way that Hux wanted to go. 

Hux walked quickly from the house to the tent, wanting to spend as little time outside as possible. He unzipped the tent flap and spotted Ren, fully clothed and sitting up, facing away from the opening. Hux rummaged through their supplies, looking for the little flashlight he kept on hand for this exact purpose. Once he found it, Hux brought it over to where Ren was sitting and waited for a response of some kind. When Ren said nothing and didn’t even grace him with a look, Hux spoke up.

“Ren, look at me. I think I may have caused you to suffer a concussion.” Hux squatted down, realizing then that he hadn’t even changed out of his towel. Ren opened his eyes at the sound of Hux’s voice, but he didn’t appear to register what was happening until Hux was shining the light into his eyes.

Ren squinted, trying to shove the light away from his face. “Can we not do this right now?” Ren asked, obviously irritated. 

Hux grabbed Ren’s face with his free hand, pulling his eyelid up and holding his eye open. His pupil retracted; it didn’t seem like he was concussed. Hux wanted to be sure regardless.

“Ren, I need you to remember the words I’m about to tell you and repeat them back to me when I ask.” 

“What are you talking about?” Ren asked, clearly confused. Hux watched as he struggled to make sense of what he was saying. It became evident to Hux that Ren’s mental capabilities were suffering dearly. Even Ren, dim as he was, should be able to understand simple instructions.

“Ren, I think you might have a concussion. You’ve suffered three head injuries today and your memory and balance are off.” Hux begrudgingly acknowledged that he was the cause of all three, but he wasn’t about to remind Ren of that.

“I’m fine,” Ren insisted, trying to stand up. Hux pushed him back down, and in the process caused his towel to fall. Hux had almost forgotten he hadn’t put clothes on.

“You are definitely not fine,” Hux scolded, walking away from Ren. He needed to dress and find some painkillers and ice packs. Hux pulled on a pair of sweats since he was planning on retiring as soon as Ren was taken care of. When Hux turned back to Ren, he looked nauseous. He was definitely concussed. “Ren, if you’re going to vomit, please get out of the tent.” 

“I’m not going to throw up.” Ren said, exasperated. Hux ignored him, shoving a few pills and a bottle of water toward him.

“If you don’t think it will make you vomit, take these. They should help with your headache.” Hux waited until Ren took the pills and then handed him an ice pack. “Keep this against the side of your head until the swelling goes down. You should go to sleep.” Ren looked like he wanted to speak but said nothing, obediently lying down and turning to face away from Hux. 

Hux put the flashlight away and began to repack their supply bags for tomorrow. He cleaned his and Ren’s blaster and replaced the rations they had used. Even though Hux was feeling the beginnings of hunger, he decided to wait until morning to cook a meal so Ren would be able to stomach it. Once he was satisfied that there was no other work to be done, Hux climbed into his sleeping bag and was unconscious in seconds.

It seemed like only minutes later that Hux was awoken by the sound of someone screaming.


	3. I'm the One Who Hates Me So Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The detectives have a run-in with a mummy, and Ren and Hux finally stop arguing.

It seemed like only minutes later that Hux was awoken by the sound of someone screaming.

Hux jolted up in his bedroll and scrambled to fish the blaster out of his bag, simultaneously drawing his knife out from beneath the pillow. Heart pounding, he looked for the assailant but only saw Ren, who appeared to be sleeping. After his breathing slowed and he began to relax only slightly, Hux realized the screams were coming from Ren himself. He was thrashing in his sleep and seemed to be in physical pain. Hux put the knife away, frowning. Maybe Ren had been more injured than he thought. 

Hux knew he needed to wake Ren up if he wanted to get back to sleep, but he did not particularly want to be choked again. Absentmindedly rubbing his bruised throat, he tried to think of a safe way to wake Ren up. He’d start with the obvious.

“Ren,” Hux whispered. When Ren didn’t respond, he called louder. “Ren!” At the sound of another anguished scream, Hux gave up and threw his pillow across the tent, hoping it would hit Ren hard enough to wake him. Ren’s body jerked violently and became very still. “Ren?”

“Where am I?” Ren asked, sounding very hoarse and very confused.

“You’re in a tent on Earth.” Hux knew Ren had suffered some kind of brain injury the day before. He almost felt bad about kicking him in the head. “Ren, do you know who I am?” 

Ren whipped his head toward Hux, glaring at him. “I know who you are,” he snapped, dragging his hands across his face. Had Ren been crying? Hux could see him shudder.

Hux began moving over to Ren’s side of the tent. He didn’t want to force Ren to explain whatever was going on in his head, but he thought he might want to get his mind off the subject. Hux extended a hand toward his shoulder, but Ren caught his wrist.

“I’m fine, go back to bed,” Ren growled. He released Hux’s wrist and turned over, pulling the blankets over his head and cutting off any hope of conversation. Hux fumed as he slowly crawled back to his own sleeping area. What had he done to deserve this? Hux reflected on his uncharacteristically kind behavior from the night before until now, failing to understand Ren’s actions. If Ren couldn’t accept a helping hand, Hux would not continue to offer it. 

He settled into his bedroll and attempted to sleep, but his anger kept him awake for what seemed like hours. Hux noted that Ren had either fallen asleep or at least refused to let Hux think he awake.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Hux awoke at dawn after an unsatisfactory rest, Ren was not in the tent. Since neither of them had eaten dinner the night before, Hux decided to cook breakfast. Though Ren hardly deserved his kindness, Hux felt like there was something more to Ren’s outbursts that he was missing. Something was unsettling Ren, and Hux had very few ideas about the cause of his behavior. Fleetingly, Hux wondered if Ren had sustained a more serious injury when he fell out of the shower. Maybe he was hiding from Hux to avoid medical attention. He would have to ask Ren when he got back. 

After Hux had eaten his share of the meal he’d prepared, Ren was still absent. They needed to strategize before Mystery Inc. arrived, and as much as he hated to admit it, Hux valued Ren’s input. While Ren hadn't been much help, Hux knew he had been observing the entirety of their failed training exercises. Hux also refused to keep doing all of the work alone, so he would have to go find Ren. 

Hux checked the house first, thinking that maybe Ren had decided to take an early morning shower. When he was not in the house, Hux became slightly concerned. Where had this brain-damaged idiot gotten off to? Kylo Ren was injured and likely concussed. He shouldn’t be doing anything strenuous, and if he wasn’t inside the house, it was likely that he was off doing something he shouldn’t. 

As Hux drew nearer to their makeshift training facilities in the barn, he could hear the sound of what was unmistakably blaster fire. Drawing his own weapon, he approached the barn doors. Hux dispersed the ridiculous ideas running through his mind; namely that the homeless man’s allies from the night before had plotted revenge against them for their actions.

Hux was relieved to see that it was only Ren, but his relief turned to anger when he realized that half of the barn was covered in holes and scorch marks, the targets neglected entirely. Ren was firing directly into the wall opposite the doorway and hadn’t noticed Hux’s presence.

“Goddamn it, Ren!” Hux yelled, “You shouldn’t be out here with your injuries. You shouldn’t even be out of bed.” Hux managed to startle Ren considerably. Before Hux could fully react, Ren’s blaster was pointed directly at his face. 

“Oh,” Ren mumbled, lowering his weapon, “it’s you.”

Hux could feel his muscles clenching beneath his skin. Instead of giving Ren a few new injuries, Hux turned on his heel and walked briskly back to the tent to try and collect himself. If Ren was going to be destructive, he highly doubted he would be useful in developing their new strategy. And if Hux had to look at his face for much longer, he feared he would be unable to control his anger. 

Once Hux reached the tent, he felt his anger ebbing into pure exhaustion. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to will himself to concentrate. Pulling out his data pad, Hux tried to come up with a plan that would make Mystery Inc. a semi functional unit. He went to work by assessing each member’s greatest strength, which was rather difficult given that they hardly showed any salvageable qualities in all the time Hux had interacted with them.

Hux decided to start with the easiest, and opened his file for Daphne Blake. While she had terrible aim in any other situation, she excelled in making headshots. She could be their sniper in the future, if needed. 

Hux set Fred Jones’s file aside without opening it. Jones was going to be on the front lines due to both his insufferable nature and he overconfidence in his own abilities. Hux would not miss him if he died. 

Velma was so incompetent that she excelled at forming distractions, as unintentional and destructive as they were. Roberts and the beast were too fearful for combat, but they knew how to pilot the Mystery Machine so they could be in charge of watching the supplies and ensuring their vehicle remained undamaged. 

And then there was Ren. If Ren applied himself, he would be extremely valuable. However, he currently had a head injury. Hux was frustrated with him but did not want him dead or injured further. For now, Ren would have to remain in the van.

Hux scrolls through his messages, noticing he has a new message from their probation officer.

Your services are required tonight at the Coolsville Museum of Natural History. Someone has been dressing as a mummy and scaring museum patrons. We also believe that they have been stealing irreplaceable artifacts from storage. The address is in an attached file.

Do try to be more careful in the future. We do not have the budget to continuously clean up after you.

Hux closed the email with a scowl. 

\-----------------------------------------

They pulled up to the Coolsville Museum of Natural History when the sun was nearly hidden behind the horizon. Hux exited the vehicle, barely resisting the urge to kick the rubber tire. He was on edge, annoyance and frustration threatening to bubble over and ruin his concentration. Damn it all, he was starting to feel like Ren. 

Ren was currently sulking in the back of the vehicle, furious that Hux wouldn’t let him come into the museum. As Hux slammed the door behind himself, he could hear Rogers offering Ren what looked like a cigarette. Deciding that he would rather not know, he leads the other detectives into the museum. 

They made it to the Egyptian wing without any problems, something that Hux was certain wouldn’t last. As he surveyed the room, he noticed a suspicious looking mummy that appeared to be standing slightly in front of a jeweled sarcophagus. “Blake, go check on-”  
Before Hux could finish speaking, the mummy exploded into several large chunks. 

“I got him!” Jones yelled triumphantly, brandishing a shotgun. 

“There’s not any blood,” Dinkley said cheerfully, “so it must have been a real mummy and not our suspect.” 

Before Hux could acknowledge either of those statements, the suspect popped up from behind one of the ancient jewel displays, pulling what appeared to be a blaster and aiming it directly at Jones. 

“Nobody move!” the second mummy yelled. “Or I’ll blast--”

His head exploded like an overripe melon before he could finish his threat, thoroughly covering Dinkley in a fine layer of blood and brain matter. It happened so quickly it took Hux a moment to process what had actually happened, and when he did his first reaction was to loudly exclaim, “Fucking shit tits moterhfucking twat tiddies.”

“Got him!” Blake said cheerfully, and ran up to poke at the man's body with the tip of her boot. 

“Yes… good work, Blake. Jones… don't speak to me for the rest of today,” Hux said, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

After a long discussion with the police, Hux and the detectives returned to the Mystery Machine. Rogers, the beast, and Ren were sitting in the back of the vehicle with the doors open. Ren seemed significantly more relaxed, and Rogers was talking at him, which neither of them seemed to mind. 

“Like, did you get him?” Rogers asked as soon as he spotted the group. 

“Jones’s failure almost got us killed, but thanks to Blake's quick thinking the suspect is dead,” Hux said with a sneer. 

“Can we go back now?” Ren turned away from the group, glaring at the wall of the van. 

\----------

By the time they reached the farm, Ren was once again irritable and moody. Hux could hardly wait to get away from him; he would shower in the upstairs bathroom if it meant he wouldn't have to deal with Ren. 

Hux left the detectives with strict orders to return at 900 hours, and by the time he had turned around Ren was gone. 

After a long shower in the good bathroom, Hux had calmed down significantly. Now that his anger with Jones had somewhat subsided, he was left to wonder what had happened to upset Ren while they were in the van. 

After deciding it would be best to maintain some degree of friendliness, Hux went to find Ren. The Knight was sulking in the corner of the living room of the house, staring blankly at a magazine and refusing to look at Hux.

“Are you hungry?” Hux asked, sitting down on a dusty armchair. .

“No,” Ren said, looking like it pained him to answer.

“What are you upset about? Did Rogers do something while we were gone?”

“No.” 

“Then why won’t you talk to me?” Hux asked, exasperated. 

“Why don’t you go ask Daphne. It seems like you’re awfully friendly with her now,” Ren snapped, after throwing the magazine at the wall. 

“Ren, you’re acting like a child!” Hux snapped, “Is all this fuss because I was impressed by Blake’s quick thinking while you sat in the van being utterly useless? As useless as you have been the entire time we’ve been on this miserable planet? Do you really crave my attention that much?”

Hux regretted his words almost instantly. Ren’s hurt expression bothered him more than he thought it would.. Yes, Ren had been a constant source of frustration, but without his company Hux would have killed himself and Mystery Inc in a murder suicide after day one. “Look, Ren-”

Hux was cut off when Ren roughly gripped his jaw with both hands and knocked the back of his head against the wall. Before Hux could react, Ren’s mouth was on his, startling him into silence. Ren pushed himself against Hux, crowding their bodies closer together.

Ren was a terrible kisser; it was all teeth and far too much tongue. After a few awkward moments of Ren clacking their teeth together, Hux decided that he should end whatever this was. 

Hux gently pushed at Ren’s chest and pulled away in the hopes that he would stop assaulting his mouth. “Ren, what are you doing? I’m not sure I understand.” While Hux was not opposed to their current situation, he felt it would be unwise to continue without getting an explanation. 

Ren looked down and avoided Hux’s eyes. “I would think that it’s obvious, General.” 

“Is this why you’ve been acting so strangely?” Hux asked, finally realizing the pattern he had been so oblivious to. This was certainly the last thing he’d expected, but the longer he reflected on it, the more obvious it became. Apparently this was not the response Ren wanted, as he let go of Hux and turned away.

“Kylo Ren, don’t you dare walk away from me. Finish what you started.” Ren froze where he stood, still facing the other direction. Hux walked past him, stopping in the doorway when he didn’t hear footsteps behind him. Was Ren really that thick? “Are you coming or not?”

Hux entered the tent with Ren on his heels. He was so close that he almost tripped over Hux when he stopped to remove his shoes. “Relax, Ren.” 

Ren was, in fact, not relaxed at all. Hux could see him fidgeting impatiently while Hux unlaced his boots. Ren’s eyes were darting around the tent, focusing on anything but Hux as he tried to figure out what to do with himself. Realizing that he would have to take control of the situation, Hux placed his hand on Ren’s shoulder and gently pushed him toward his own bedroll. “Sit,” he said.

Ren obeyed, shuffling down into the center of the bedroll and watching Hux expectantly. Moving slowly so that Ren had a chance to stop him, Hux carefully settled himself onto Ren’s lap. “Is this alright?” Hux asked when Ren made no move to touch him. Ren was still avoiding Hux’s gaze, but he nodded. Hux tilted his head and searched Ren’s eyes. “Do you really want this?” he asked, beginning to doubt that he’d made the right decision in inviting Ren back to the tent.

Ren finally looked at Hux, “Yes,” he said, immediately grabbing Hux’s hips. Ren moved to crash their lips together again, but Hux stopped him. If they were going to do this, it would be done properly.

“Let me,” Hux said, brushing Ren’s hair out of his face as he carefully threaded his fingers through Ren’s hair and cradled his jaw with the other. “Just relax, Ren.” Hux whispered as he carefully pressed their lips together. Ren was still incredibly tense, but at least he was learning to use less teeth. Hux entertained the idea that Ren had never been given the opportunity to practice kissing like this. 

Ren was beginning to respond with renewed interest. Thankfully, he seemed to be a fast learner. Hux could feel himself growing hard. It had been a long time since he’d been with someone, and while Ren was attractive, he never thought he would be in this position. 

Hux pressed his hips down experimentally, and when Ren let out a gasp he carefully pulled back, moving to the side of Ren’s body and pulling him down against the pillow. Hux slowly reached out and palmed Ren’s erection through his pants, giving him a chance to pull away if he wanted to.

“Hux… more,” Ren whined, pressing his hips into Hux’s hand. Deciding now was as good a time as any, Hux unceremoniously shoved his hand down the front of Ren’s pants. Hux sunk his teeth into the side of Ren’s neck as he began to stroke him. This seemed to bring Ren back down, and he dug his fingers into Hux’s hips, trying to pull him closer. 

Hux pulled his own pants down to his thighs and then did the same for Ren. He carefully lines their cocks up, stroking them together. Ren tried to reach down, but Hux pushed his hand away.

“I’ve got it,” Hux insisted. He pulled Ren back in for another kiss, continuing to stroke them both. After a few short minutes Ren tensed, biting down on Hux’s lip. Hux groans, continuing to stroke Ren through his orgasm. After an additional minute he was able to reach his own. 

Several seconds of recovery later Hux got up and yanked his pants back up. He grabbed a towel from their supplies and cleaned himself off before going back over to Ren. Hux carefully wiped his stomach and chest, mindful of his sensitivity.

As soon as Hux pulled his pants back on Ren started to get up. “Why don’t you just sleep here?” Hux asked, placing a hand on his chest. 

“Okay,” Ren agreed. Sensing that he was slightly uncomfortable, Hux pulled the larger man against his chest and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. 

“Relax, Kylo. Just go to sleep,” Hux said quietly, smirking when Ren visibly relaxed. He waited until the Knight fell asleep before succumbing to his own exhaustion, hoping at last to get an uninterrupted night of sleep.


End file.
